Bang for Your Buck – Spend Smart & Stress Less in Mediation & Court (Part II)

In our previous episode on best tips, we talked about you get what you pay for. Paying the most money for an attorney doesn’t always mean you’re going to get the best. Remember that when you’re paying, you’re in charge. You’re the employer. They’re the employee. Do your research. Look up the statutes in your current state and find out exactly what is the law prior to engaging an attorney, getting a mediator so that you know whether or not you are being directed and told properly or whether or not they’re just there to, you know, do whatever you want, whether that’s in your best interest or not, or, you know, just take the money and run. Who knows? But in any case, we also then talked about then education, making sure that your attorney or mediator are constantly educating. So we’re going to continue the conversation on best tips, and we’re going to talk about particularly right now, Mediation. When you’re selecting a mediator. So first off, how do you select a mediator? If your pros say you don’t have any attorneys, then that is done by the two parties themselves. Sometimes I’ll get a phone call from either the father or the mother asking me some questions about mediation, not legal advice, but just ask me, hey, you know, can you tell me about the mediation process? Is my case right for mediation? And then they’ll give my info to the other person. The other person will call, maybe ask me some questions or whatnot, and then they agree, hey, yeah, you know what? We both agree we want to use Matthew. If you have attorneys, generally it’s the attorneys that are selecting the mediator. And that can be based on the mediator’s skill set or maybe their availability. But that does not mean that you as the parties do not have a say in that because you can ask the questions. You can say, hey, you know what? I was talking to my buddy. I was talking to my cousin, talking to my neighbor. I had heard about this particular mediator and I would really like them on this case. Sometimes I’ve even had people that have called me. They ended up not using me immediately. They ended up hiring attorneys and then they said, hey, this is who we want to use for a mediator. So when selecting a mediator, that’s how the selection process usually happens. But some of the things to ask and find out is, do you do anything else except for mediation? A lot of times you’ll have an attorney that is also a mediator. For me, I am just a mediator. It’s all I do every day, all day. It’s what I do. And so it is my specialty. It is my focus. It is my entire practice. I am not doing other things and, you know, dabbling in mediation. Just to give you an idea, and sometimes people ask me, you know, well, how many cases do you do? Like, you’re a full-time mediator. Great. How many are you doing? Are you doing like three or four a month? Are you doing, you know, 100 a year? What are you doing? Like, you know, how busy are you? I can tell you that I average about 18 to 23 mediations per month in the past couple of years. So like in 2021, and this is all on my website, you can go verify all these numbers, but in 2021, I did 198 mediations. There’s only 365 days and only 151 workdays in a calendar year, had 198 mediations. In 2023, I had 238. And so far in 2025, in the first five months, I’ve had 105. So, you know, I have done 3,373 mediations as of And mediated for just under 12,000 hours of my life. So yes, it is all I do. And another question that you can ask is, What is your settlement rate, Matthew? Now, that is a good and a bad question at the same time. First off, let’s talk about why it’s a bad question. It’s a bad question because if you’re looking for a mediator’s settlement rate, you’re not looking for a mediator. You’re looking for a manipulator. And if you have a mediator, they can tell you, oh, I have a 70%, 60%, 80%. Well, then that’s not good either because that means that you’re talking to a manipulator, not a mediator. So why? Like, shouldn’t I want a mediator that can settle cases? No, not particularly. And here’s why. Because that’s not my job. My job as a mediator is not to get you to settle your case. Now, while I want you to settle your case, my job is not to get you to settle your case. If I am getting you to settle your case, that means that I am either manipulating you or I’m going to ask you the same questions over and over and over and over and over again. Even though you may say no, no, no, and then finally you’ll just give in and I’ll be like, look, I got it settled. Yeah, because I wore you down and violated your boundary of no to get you to a yes that you weren’t happy about, that’s not mediation. That’s manipulation. And so how should a mediator track their statistics? Well, it’s really simple. I have 100% success rate. Now, success is different than settlement. Because success is based on what is my job? My job as a mediator is to empower people to take control of their lives, whether that is to create an agreement they can live with or whether that is to surrender their decision-making authority to a judge to have a judge settle their case and tell them how things are going to be. So I have 100% success rate because 100% of the time I empower people. So how do I do that? i do that a couple of different ways number one i do that through providing information I may tell you what you want to hear I may also tell you what you do not want to hear what I won’t do is not tell you something and then you choose to not settle you choose to go to court something goes wrong and you’re like oh my gosh why didn’t somebody warn me or why didn’t somebody tell me that was an option well that’s my job as a mediator my job is to give you information not just tickle your fancy not just tell you what you want to hear but to give you information my job is to give you creative suggestions as I help you negotiate and so I I am there to empower you, give you as much information as possible so you can make an informed decision. Whether that decision is to create an agreement you can live with or go to court, surrender your decision-making authority, and let a judge tell you how things are going to be. So more important than a statistic, you should also ask, well… How often have I educated? That’s a similar question that we talked about last time with asking attorneys. Because You know, mediators should constantly be educating as well. And I’m not just talking about going to the mediation conference every year. And I’m not talking about getting a new certification. Like, okay, I was a county mediator and now I’m the family mediator. I was a family mediator and now I got certified doing elder law or doing appellate mediation. But in general, like just negotiation skills. And so for me, since this is all I do and I take pride in what I do, I want to help people negotiate. I want to be a good negotiator for people. I have chosen to spend tens of thousands of dollars on executive education programs at Ivy League schools. So I have taken three negotiation mastery programs at Harvard, one at Harvard Business School and Harvard Law School, and then with one of the founders of the program on negotiation at Harvard Law School. I have taken an executive education program at Columbia Business School. None of these, by the way, had anything to do with family law. They were about the art of negotiation. And that can be applied to any type of mediation and negotiation. But these are things that as a mediator, I want to be the best mediator for you if you choose me to be your mediator. And I want to provide the best service. So yeah, I’m going to spend money Not just… time, because these are time consuming and also away from work. I mean, I’m losing money working, I’m traveling, I’m then paying for these courses. But for me, I’m investing in me so that I can be the best mediator for you. So these are things to ask of your mediator as well. Another thing to look at is, you know, if all they do is mediation, hopefully, then, you know, are they busy? Are they in demand? Because, you know, you don’t just ask them how long they’ve been mediating. I mean, you could ask me, for example, how long have you been mediating? And I’ll tell you, I’ve been mediating so far for 18 years. Okay, awesome. How busy are you? Well, you know, I do two or three mediations a month. And you’ve been doing this for 18 years and that’s all you do? Like, what’s going on? Like, no. So, Again, as I said, I’m doing about 18 to 23 mediations per month, almost every single day, sometimes two a day. I am helping people negotiate. I am in mediation. I am doing what I do. You know, that can also be a good gauge for, wow, they’re in demand, they’re busy. Okay, why? They must be doing something that no one else is doing. You know, are they an expert in their field? And so, you know, regardless of the outcome of mediation, because again, my job is not to get you to sign an agreement. My job is to empower you. There’s a lot of people that, you know, and more than you would probably think, there’s a lot of people that choose to settle. Um, And not much goes in front of the court compared to how many cases are actually filed. And so, sure, I want you to settle. I really, really do. But I’m not going to make it happen. That’s up to you. You’re in charge. And so my goal is to empower you with knowledge and information so that you can make your own decision, whether that is to settle and create an agreement you can live with, or whether that is to go to court, surrender your decision-making authority to a judge, and let a judge tell you you how things are going to be. Either way, your case will get settled. It’ll either get settled with your input or without your input and spending a little bit of money or spending a lot of money. But that choice is yours. So the tips that we talked about in the previous episode and so far, these are tips that are going to help you in selecting the best attorney and mediator to help you resolve your case and hopefully avoid the court and allow you to take control of your situation, saving you and your family tons and tons of money. Now, depending on the attorney you choose or the guardian ad litem or even the mediator, that can determine how efficiently your money is spent and how quickly you might achieve a resolution. So that’s why it’s important to do your own research. Look at the statute. Know what the laws are in your current state. Interview attorneys. Interview mediators. Do your own investigation because Who you choose, that can determine how quickly and how efficiently your case can get settled. Your life and your children, they depend on it. And so definitely do your homework. All right, we’re going to switch gears here for a second. And we’re going to go to now, we’re going to talk about standards. So As a mediator, many, many, many times it’s frustrating because, you know, people will come to mediation and, you know, let’s just say that Jane has hired a attorney for her case. And Jane comes in and says, I want to be the primary custodial parent. I want majority custody and I want child support and alimony. And the attorney says, okay, fine, we can ask for that. Jane, it’s very important that you know what the law says so that you’re not asking for unreasonable standards, especially with no justification. And so it’s important to know that if you come in asking for primary custody or primary custodial parent, first off, Primary and secondary parenting do not exist in Florida law. So what you’re asking for doesn’t even exist. And if the attorney is willing to put that into a petition or an answer, well, that’s interesting, to say the least. Number two, we don’t have custody or visitation in the state of Florida. In fact, we haven’t had primary, secondary custody and visitation terms like that since 2011. So coming in and asking for things that do not exist, well, that’s just not useful, not helpful. And if the attorney is going to put that in your petition or answer, that definitely is not useful or helpful. And that’s going to waste time and money. So know that we have two things. We have parental responsibility and decision making, and we have time sharing. And know that the standard, the starting point for parental responsibility and decision making is shared. It’s 50-50. It’s not shared with ultimate. It’s not sole. It’s 50-50. And only if after specific written findings of fact in a trial, unless the other party is willing to give it, a judge has to make specific written findings of fact in a trial in order to deviate from the standard, which is equal decision-making. Same thing with timesharing. That used to be custody or visitation. It’s now timesharing. As of 2023, there is a rebuttable presumption that 50-50 is in the child’s best interest. Know that there are 20 factors in the statute. And if you do not have justification to deviate from 50-50, you’re going to waste time, you’re going to waste money, and you’re going to be very, very, very upset at the end. And the justification must be specific written findings of fact. It is not your opinion. It is not even what you know. It’s what you can prove. So, for example, let’s just talk about this. Let’s just work through this. By coming in and asking, say, for example, for… I want shared with ultimate and majority time sharing. Okay, fine, you can ask for it. Just know what the standard is. You need to know that you’re asking above the standard so that… When you get the standard, unless you have legal justification, not moral, but legal justification to deviate, know that when you get the standard, well, you didn’t get screwed. You know, oh my gosh, my attorney totally screwed me. The mediator screwed me. The judge screwed me. The guardian ad litem screwed me. No, you asked for unrealistic things. You had unrealistic, unmanaged expectations. And so that’s why you got the result you got. Nobody screwed you. You came in asking for something that isn’t even the law. It’s not even the standard of the law. Now, if there’s evidence… And evidence would be police reports, arrests, convictions. Maybe there’s reports, you know, mental institutionalization. You know, if there’s legal evidence, okay, that might help. It’s not a guarantee, but it might help. I will tell you that I’ve had two mediations in the 18 years I have been mediating where I did the mediation and the father, one father was in jail, one father was in prison, and the judge ruled that when they got out, it’s 50-50 timesharing. They were non-felony domestic violence, non-felony drug. And so There was no reason why when they got out after serving their time, 50-50 was not appropriate. And so, you know, if there are legitimate and there are legitimate cases where these things are issues and you may need to bring them up and they may have weight and it may swing the court, but just know that the standard is equal everywhere. timesharing, and by making unsubstantiated claims, and I have seen this over and over in the 18 years and conducting over 3,000 mediations. I see this on a frequent and regular basis, making unsubstantiated with no legal evidence, no legal justification, making unsubstantiated claims. And it goes in this order. First, oh, they were, you know, there was domestic violence, but nobody was arrested. No police reports. Oh, but they’re violent. I’m afraid of them. Okay. Maybe there’s abuse. I have heard everything from physical abuse to mental abuse to emotional abuse to even financial abuse or neglect. So you’ve got also, oh, well, they’re a drug addict. And I love that one when, and I’ve had it more than once, where both parties met in rehab. Or they met in AA. Oh, they’re alcoholics. And they met in AA. But one party is now going to try to use that as a tool to try to power grab. Of course, these days, a lot of people are claiming, oh, they’re bipolar. Oh, my gosh. Everybody is either autistic, bipolar, schizophrenic. We hear it. As practitioners, we hear it. And when I say practitioners, mediators, guardian ad litems, attorneys, judges, We hear it and we see it so often that for the most part, it falls on deaf ears like little boy that cried wolf because everybody instantly goes there thinking it’s going to give them a leg up and a power grab when it comes to doing something other than the standard. And just know there are 20 factors in the statute, 20 of them. And the judge has to make a specific written finding of the 20 factors. And if they can, then maybe it’ll deviate from 50-50. That is a very difficult, very expensive adventure. If you want to try to go on it, go for it. Just know that it’s a really hard adventure to go on. And in the end, it could even backfire. Because if you’re asking for these unrealistic, expectations and you have no legal justifications, then optics are everything to the court. And it will look as though you were the one in violation of factor number one. And factor number one? the court will look at the demonstrated capacity and disposition of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship. And if you’re getting in the way of that, if you are trying to impede and power grab, it will look as though if it’s unsubstantiated and you can’t go through the rest of these factors, and I believe I spoke on these factors in a previous podcast. You can go listen to that episode on the 20 factors. But if you cannot… Get through these factors. It could appear that you are the parent that is simply trying to prevent the parent-child relationship, and this whole thing can backfire. And at that point, the judge… does not have to follow 50-50. The judge could actually award the other party majority and you get less time. I’ve seen it happen. It’s rare, but I have seen judges do that where it’s so egregious and it’s taken so long and the accusations were so horrible and there was zero evidence that the judge found that the one making the accusation should actually have less time, not even 50-50. So my advice is tread lightly. So know the law. And the law currently in Florida, it’s 50-50 shared parental, 50-50 time sharing. Now, I don’t know for the life of me why attorneys do not fully educate and inform clients and then file petitions or answers asking for shared parental with ultimate or unequal time sharing when there’s no legal basis under these 20 factors, except for the fact that you’ve asked for it. So they’ll do it. And you know what? They got no problem taking your money. Here’s the problem, though, is this sets you up for for completely unrealistic expectations like we talked about. And then it makes the negotiations, either between the attorneys, between you and the other person, or even in mediation, a thousand times more difficult. And the other problem is then maybe when your attorney backs off of their filings, well, then you’re going to lose faith in your attorney. And then at the end, you may file a bar. You may try to file a bar complaint on your attorney going, oh, you know, they were horrible and I lost. But you’re definitely going to hate your attorney. You may leave negative reviews. You’re going to tell everybody in the world how awful they are. You may even do that to your mediator. You may say the mediator totally sucked. You may bad mouth the other party. That’s going to interfere with your ability to co-parent. You may blame the other party’s attorney and even the judge. And then you may go as far and just say the entire judicial system screwed you over when actually nobody screwed you over except, well, maybe your attorney for not managing your expectations in the very beginning. But even then, you should have gone and educated yourself, followed these best tips and practices, gotten the information yourself so that you know that in the end, well, okay, I got the standard that everybody else got. It wasn’t that the system screwed you over and you lost. No, when there’s 50-50 time sharing and 50-50 decision making, nobody loses. There is no loss there. When somebody has a majority, that’s when you have a winner-loser situation. Somebody has a majority, somebody has a minority. When it’s an even level playing field, that’s not win or lose. That’s level. And so possibly it’s because the attorney was just, you know, willing to take your money. If that’s what you want, fine. But, you know… I don’t want that to happen to you. So hopefully the attorney will listen to your complaints and your initial conversation. Hopefully they will guide you. And if you still demand that they do something, even after the attorney has said, well, that’s not the standard, that’s not the law, but if that’s what you want, well then just know you screwed yourself. Your attorney did their job. Your mediator did their job. The judge did their job. And the only one that screwed you over was you. So, you know, the judge will make their ruling. Your case will get settled. It’ll get settled either with your input or without your input. But your case will get settled. There’s just, you know, thousands of dollars in the balance. Recently, I had I had a mother that had an unrealistic expectation. The attorney tried to tell her, but she just knew what she knew what she knew. And the attorney tried. In mediation, the attorney tried. I pulled up the statute. We’re looking at the statute. She didn’t care. And so the attorney actually was honest with her and said, okay, well, you understand that this is going to cost you $10,000 to go to trial. We do not have the evidence to provide you with what you’re asking for. I know this judge. This judge will most likely rule this way because they follow the statute. But This is going to cost you another $10,000. And you know what? If that’s what you want, at the end of the day, fine. That’s what you want. And that attorney managed her expectations, told her the truth, showed her how it worked. I mean, she was just dead set. And basically her… Her mentality was a judge will have to order it. Not a problem. They will. Because she said, well, I can’t face my children knowing that I surrendered. Okay, but now you’re going to be $10,000 less on money to provide to your children. And going to trial, it’s going to be public record. And so your kids, when they get older, they could go and pull that. There will most likely for the trial be a transcript and they will be able to read that and they can find out the truth, not your version of the truth, but the actual truth. They can either listen to it or read it for themselves. And so, you know, the choice is yours. These are best tips to help guide you, but you are in charge. So, you know, just to recap on Again, as we started in the previous episode, you get what you pay for, but the most expensive is not always the best. And you have to pay to play. Nothing is for free. Remember, you’re in charge. Do your due diligence. Know the laws in your state. Do your due diligence when looking for an attorney. Ask the right questions. When you’re looking for a mediator, ask the right questions. And then also, you know, Manage your own expectations. Know what the law is. And if you’ve got the evidence to back it up, then you absolutely should use it to protect yourself or protect your children. But if there is no legal justification, not moral, but legal justification, the evidence necessary to have the court rule based on the 20 factors that they will have to do a written specific finding of fact, well, then just know what the outcome is. come is. So by using these best tips, I hope that you will find much success, whether you choose to settle in mediation or surrender that decision-making authority to a judge to have a judge settle your case for you.