David Pisarra: Top 30% Family Law Cases Involve High-Conflict People With Borderline Personality Disorders

Matthew Brickman:
Welcome to MediateThis! Podcast. Today I’m joined by David Pisarra. David, welcome.

David Pisarra:
Thank you, Matthew.

Matthew Brickman:
So let’s dive in. You’ve said before that about 70–75% of family law cases are relatively straightforward. Can you explain?

David Pisarra:
I think we’ve lost our sense of humanity and the reality is this: if you took all family court cases, the first 70–75% are pretty normal. The system handles them fairly well. People go to court maybe once to get their orders and never have to go back again. It’s the top 30% where we’re really dealing with high conflict.

Matthew Brickman:
Sure.

David Pisarra:
That’s where you find the really crazy cases—the true narcissists and the borderline personality disorder people. I’ve described borderlines as the honey badgers of humanity. They create their own reality and drive their partners insane through gaslighting and manipulation, which makes them very powerful when they go into family court. And as we know, the biggest joke in family court is “under penalty of perjury”—it doesn’t actually mean anything.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah.

David Pisarra:
Law enforcement doesn’t take perjury seriously.

Matthew Brickman:
Everybody lies.

David Pisarra:
Exactly. Why do we even say it? It’s a big joke.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. But for the borderline—the honey badger of humanity—this is free reign to say and do whatever you want. Now we’re dealing with really crazy people in a system that’s not going to hold them accountable. That’s where dads have to come in and say, “How do I handle this?” A lot of our dads are dealing with borderline exes. Many of the really insane ones come from entertainment backgrounds. And I say this with compassion, recognizing that most borderlines have a history of being abused as children. They’re damaged individuals, but they still inflict damage. If dad doesn’t step up and fight for his 50%, the kids get hurt as collateral damage. That’s a huge problem.

Matthew Brickman:
Sure. So go back to what you were saying about how moms sometimes use the domestic violence statute for money and weaponize that. As a mediator, I’ll see moms say, “This is money driven,” while dads say, “This has nothing to do with money. I just want my kids.” So I’ll say, “Okay, waive child support then.” And often the dad says, “Fine, I don’t care.” That gets us to the heart of the matter. So in California, when does child support terminate and what does it actually include?

David Pisarra:
Here’s the deal: most of my dads would gladly pay more child support if it meant more time with their kids. In California, child support terminates at 18, or 19 if the child hasn’t yet graduated high school. It also ends upon marriage, emancipation, or death. Beyond that, there’s statutory medical care. We split uncovered medical care proportionally based on income. Private school is a gray area—sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends on the family’s history and finances. I have a case now where mom and dad are drowning in debt, yet mom insists on $60,000/year private school tuition per child. Judges will sometimes say, “Dad, you signed up for this lifestyle, so keep paying,” but if it’s unsustainable, then public school becomes the reality.

Matthew Brickman:
What about extras like cell phones, iPads, or extracurriculars?

David Pisarra:
Those are typically handled between the parents. The law covers child support, medical insurance, and childcare. Extras are usually by agreement.

Matthew Brickman:
Okay. So what is mediation like in California? Mandatory? Optional?

David Pisarra:
Each county handles mediation differently. Some counties use non-recommending mediation—it’s just “Did you agree or not?” Others, like Ventura, use recommending mediation, where a mediator (usually a social worker) hears both sides and makes a recommendation. And 99% of the time, the judge issues exactly that recommendation.

Matthew Brickman:
So if the parties agree in mediation, that’s just rubber-stamped?

David Pisarra:
Exactly. Agreements are rubber-stamped. That’s 70% of family court. It’s the other 30% where mediators and judges get more involved.

Matthew Brickman:
In Florida, to get a hearing in front of a judge—even for temporary relief—you have to go to mediation at least once. If you settle, the judge rubber stamps it. If you don’t, you get a date in front of the judge. Often, judges will even send people back to mediation multiple times because they don’t want to decide it.

David Pisarra:
That’s where judges do a disservice. If one party has a personality disorder, sending them back to mediation just prolongs abuse. Judges need to step up, make rulings, and protect the non-disordered parent. Otherwise, the system itself becomes abusive.

Matthew Brickman:
Right. And that creates bad experiences with attorneys, mediators, and judges—leaving parents feeling the system is broken. Meanwhile, the kids suffer.

David Pisarra:
Exactly. Avoiding decisions empowers the abuser and keeps the victim trapped. Children get caught in the crossfire. Judges make things worse by avoiding responsibility.

Matthew Brickman:
I’ve seen that too. In my 3,500 mediations, temporary relief hearings are the most useful because you get a 30-minute snapshot of what the judge will likely do. That often launches settlement.

David Pisarra:
In California, initial hearings are often ex parte. Judges only see paperwork—no speaking. That’s why paperwork is crucial. It’s the first impression. Poorly written paperwork sets you up to lose. Judges form opinions before you even walk into court.

Matthew Brickman:
So first appearance is paperwork, not in person?

David Pisarra:
Yes, 100%. Your first impression is your paperwork. If it’s ranting and poorly written, the judge already has a negative view.

Matthew Brickman:
That’s wild. It’s like job applications now—my wife had to hire a service to rewrite her résumé just so algorithms would pass it through. Same thing here: your paperwork has to be structured strategically. That’s what your Dad’s Law School helps with, right?

David Pisarra:
Exactly. We teach dads how to present themselves effectively. Strategy, structure, and presentation matter more than citing specific codes. It’s about convincing the judge you’re an awesome dad.

Matthew Brickman:
What about when dads focus too much on bashing their ex instead of showing their relationship with their kids?

David Pisarra:
That’s a huge mistake. Judges don’t want to hear “she lied, she lied.” They want to hear about your bond with your child. Yes, you can note manipulation, but your focus should be the kid. Otherwise, the judge just sees two immature adults bickering.

Matthew Brickman:
I learned that the hard way. After my divorce, I vented constantly about my ex. My pastor’s wife finally told me, “You’re focused on her, not your kids.” She was right. If I build my kids up, they’ll see the truth themselves without me having to bash their mom.

David Pisarra:
Exactly. That’s why we give dads a place—WhatsApp groups, weekly meetings—where they can vent, then refocus on their children. Hearing from other dads helps too. They realize they’re not alone.

Matthew Brickman:
That makes sense. Do dads stick around after their cases are done, or do they leave?

David Pisarra:
Both. Some do a month, binge the videos, and leave. Others stay for years because they value the community and mentoring. Men like to give back. Helping other dads is rewarding.

Matthew Brickman:
That’s awesome. Okay, lightning round—five quick questions.

David Pisarra:
Oh boy, here we go.

Matthew Brickman:
What’s your dream job?

David Pisarra:
Honestly, what I’m doing now—helping men grow, mentor, and rebuild their lives.

Matthew Brickman:
Favorite music?

David Pisarra:
Non-lyric background music. I’m basically Helen Keller when it comes to music—I don’t remember songs.

Matthew Brickman:
Favorite food?

David Pisarra:
Fettuccine Alfredo or chicken. Love it.

Matthew Brickman:
If you could have a meal with anyone, living or dead?

David Pisarra:
Thomas Edison. Brilliant inventor, fascinating mind. Conversation with him would be enlightening—literally.

Matthew Brickman:
[laughs] That’s a good one. Last one: if you could live anywhere?

David Pisarra:
Amalfi Coast. I love the ocean, seafood, Italian food, and Italian culture.

Matthew Brickman:
Beautiful choice. Where can listeners find you?

David Pisarra:
Dad’s Child Custody Action Plan is my book. You can find it at DadsLawSchool.com. We offer coaching, consulting, mentoring, and resources for dads worldwide.

Matthew Brickman:
And your materials apply globally, right?

David Pisarra:
Yes. It’s strategy-based, not state-specific. We’ve had dads from Australia, South Africa, the UK, Canada, Brazil—it’s an international issue. We give dads tools to demonstrate they’re awesome dads and rebuild self-esteem.

Matthew Brickman:
That’s incredible. David, thank you so much for coming on MediateThis! Podcast.

David Pisarra:
Thank you, Matthew.

Matthew Brickman:
And thank you to our listeners for tuning in. Until next time.