Divorce Rules for Introducing New Partners

Matthew Brickman:

Hi, I’m Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

(00:14):
I had a great question from a, a listener that asked, are there rules or guidelines to introducing children to a new partner after divorce? And can my spouse legally prevent this? That’s a great question. Um, it really comes down to moral versus legal. So from a legal standpoint, can you prevent a partner from, uh, or, or a, a former spouse or, you know, in a paternity action, say that the, uh, father doesn’t want the mother to introduce her boyfriend, however, you know, can, can you prevent that? Usually the only people that are prevented to be around the children are people that are deemed, uh, not safe. So, for example, uh, convicted child predators, uh, which they’re already not supposed to be around children, but you know, they should not be around the children. And so, you know, if you are dating a convicted child predator, you should not be introducing your children or have them around your children.

(01:20):
Um, also c you know, you know, possibly, and sometimes I, I have this in a mediation agreement where it talks about a convicted felon of domestic violence, um, or possible a felony drug. Uh, and so, you know, those are types of things, but again, that’s if it’s agreed to by the parties. Um, you know, and so if you, if you agree to it and put it into your agreement, well then, yeah, then there’s the rules and guidelines. Um, sometimes, and I’ve done mediation agreements where both the parents agree that they are not going to introduce their significant others to the children unless they had been dating that person for say, six months or one year, um, or whatnot. Or they are not gonna have their significant other spend the night when the children are exercising, time sharing, or they’re not going to use their significant other as a babysitter or childcare provider.

(02:24):
Um, but, you know, people seem to always figure out the loopholes to this saying, oh, well, you know, they met him at, you know, soccer practice and you know, I, you know, they were introduced as, as mommy’s friend or daddy’s friend, you know, um, and so then they’re like, oh, they violated it. So, you know, from a legal standpoint, um, if there are laws because of what that person had done that prevent them from being around the child, or if the people, uh, agree to put it into their, uh, parenting plan, well then there’s your rules and guidelines other than that, now it falls to moral. And so, um, in my history and experience, no, you cannot prevent, um, you know, is it a good idea to keep dating? And it’s, it is sort of like, you know, you keep trying on different pairs of pants and everybody gets to see you wear the different pairs of pants, and yeah, those didn’t fit, or those were a little tight or those that, that color was wrong.

(03:26):
Well, you know, uh, is is, you know, if that’s bouncing people in and out of your children’s lives, is that, you know, a good idea from a moral standpoint, possibly not. Um, from a psychological standpoint, probably not, because especially depending on the age of your child, they could get attached to that person. And then you’re constantly attached, rip away, attach, rip away, attach, rip away. And sometimes kids can even feel as though they may have caused it, um, that, uh, and then they take that on and that can affect them for their entire life. And so there is the moral lens and the legal lens that you may need to consider when, you know, introducing new people, um, after a divorce or, you know, after you have a paternity action. Um, you may just want to just be cognizant of that pay attention. And it depends on, I would really say the age of your child, the, um, the awareness of your child, the maturity of your child, um, you know, you know your kid.

(04:36):
Um, and, you know, a lot of people talk about best interests of the children, and they have different, uh, moms and dads have different ideas of best interests of the children. Um, and we’ll talk about best interests of the children and another episode, uh, but, um, be, be on the lookout for the episode called Best Interest of the Children, and we’ll dive deep into best interest, um, what the law says best interest is, rather than mom and dad’s idea of best interest. Um, so to follow up with the second part of their question, can my spouse legally prevent this? It all depends. It depends. Is it put into your agreement? If it’s in your agreement and you have agreed that you’re not going to do this, um, then yes, they can prevent you from doing that. But if it is not in your agreement, well then, unless there’s a law that says that that particular person should not be there, well then no, you can’t.

(05:37):
So let me give you a quick story. I had a mediation where the father, after the divorce, the father files a motion for contempt enforcement against the mother because she let her own father. So this would be the maternal grandfather around the children. And the father had in the agreement, the father and the mother had agreed in the agreement that the maternal grandfather was not to be in the presence of the children. Now, I was not told why during mediation, nobody brought up why the, the father requested it, the mother consented to it. And so it was put into their agreement. A number of months later, the father files a motion for contempt enforcement because the maternal grandfather was constantly around the children. And for, for a couple of other reasons, there were some other issues that they were arguing about. Um, but they actually, both the mother and the father and their attorneys all waived the rules of confidentiality and subpoenaed me to come into court to testify as the mediator.

(07:01):
And that is very rare. Um, as of the date of this recording, I have been mediating for almost 18 years. I have done over 3,100 mediations, and I have been called to testify, I believe, five times. Um, so it is a rarity and just know when I am called to testify, I am extremely limited on what I can talk about because mediation is a private and confidential, um, platform where we negotiate. And so I cannot come in and talk about everything that we were talking about. Um, in the five times that I was subpoenaed to come in and testify because I drafted the agreement, because I was the author of the agreement, the judge wanted to know why I wrote what I wrote and what it meant. So they wanted to understand the meaning behind what I wrote. I couldn’t talk about the conversation surrounding that.

(07:59):
So I couldn’t say, well, he said this and she said this. And so we then we negotiated this. It was, okay, what does this sentence mean? What’s the intent of this? And I would have to explain, well, okay, I wrote this and this is what this is supposed to mean. And that’s usually because the two people are arguing over what they believe or what the attorneys believe the intent of the sentence is. So in this particular case, the judge asked me, Matthew, this says that the maternal fathers or grandfathers not to be around the children. You know, can you explain why? And I actually said, I can’t. I don’t know why. Um, but you know, they both agreed to it. Now, what was interesting was the mother had her father sitting there in the courtroom. And so then the question then went to, uh, the judge said, you know, asked the father, well, why did you want this in there?

(08:57):
And he said, because the mother’s father is a convicted and registered sex offender. At that point, the judge lost it. She told the, the maternal grandfather to stand up. He was sitting in the audience or in the gallery of the courtroom and told the mother who was sitting at the table with her attorney to stand up, and she said, you are in violation of your terms of probation as a registered sex offender. You know, you are not allowed to be around anyone, including your grandchild. And then she laid into the mother and said, I don’t care that this is your father, that you know, you have it in the agreement, you agreed to it, and that’s what it is. And the mother starts to argue with the judge and says, yeah, but my dad found Jesus, and he’s not the same man that he was.

(09:59):
And the judge said, I don’t care who he found. I don’t care if he is or is not the same person. He is a registered sex offender. And it was, it was a clear cut game over. So, you know, can you prevent somebody again, it depends. And in that particular case, did the spouse legally prevent it? Yeah, because there were some extenuating circumstances surrounding who it was and why. So if you need legal advice to find out if that person should or should not, you know, your significant others or former significant others person should be around the child, definitely talk to your attorney. Um, but if there’s somebody that you both agree that should not be, uh, around the children, or if you both agree to put rules and guidelines in place, then you can in a mediation agreement. But just know the court’s not going to start prohibiting because it can get into a contest of, well, I don’t want your mother.

(11:04):
Well then I don’t want your mother. Well then I don’t want your father. Well, I don’t want your father. Well, and all of a sudden you just start listing people to list people out of spite. And unless they are usually convicted felons, it’s gonna happen. The court’s gonna let it happen. And so you just have to understand that in a divorce, there consequences for your choices and you will lose control of situations that you may have had control when you were married, um, or you were, you know, acting as though an intact family in a paternity action that you were not gonna have. Once you get your parenting plan set up and ordered by the court.

Matthew Brickman:
Occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q&A bonus episodes where we’ll answer your questions and give you a personal shoutout.

Sydney Mitchell:
If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that’s info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.

Matthew Brickman:

For more information about my services or to schedule your mediation with me, either in person or using my iChatMediation Virtual Platform built by Cisco Communications. Visit me online at www.iMediateInc.com. Call me at 561-262-9121, Toll-Free at 877-822-1479 or email me at MBrickman@iChatMediation.com.