Has Divorce in Modern Times Become Tougher on Mothers or Fathers?

Sydney Mitchell:

Hi. My name is Sydney Mitchell.

Matthew Brickman:

Hi, I’m Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

(00:16):
This week I want to talk to you about a question that I received from a listener that says, has divorce in modern times been tougher on mothers or on fathers? And I think that the answer, uh, to that question is yes, uh, both, but I do think it depends on the perspective. So let’s start with, um, tougher on fathers, because I think that a lot of people are like, yeah, I don’t think so. It’s more tough on mothers than fathers, but let’s first talk about what I have seen as a mediator, um, and even experienced firsthand when it comes to tougher on fathers. So in the state of Florida, and it’s important to know that the, uh, laws in the state that you reside in. But in the state of Florida, in the year 2023, the law, um, changed, um, to a rebuttable presumption of equal time sharing between the minor child and both parents.

(01:13):
So has that been tougher on fathers, uh, than mothers? I think that it’s tough on both of them, but I think for fathers, what that did is, while they wanted it, I think that a lot of them didn’t understand exactly what that meant in detail. Um, a lot of them found out and have adapted accordingly. Um, so what does that mean for a father? Well, if typically the mother got the majority time sharing and the father really was like a weekend dad, or what was termed like Disney dad, well then they were able to still work. They could date, they could basically live their lives. And then, you know, every other weekend they saw their kids and maybe one night during the week, and then they got some extended time in the summer and on holidays and whatnot. But that was it. Um, having the children more means more responsibility.

(02:05):
That means that, no, you’re not working overtime. No, you’re not working a second job. Maybe you’re not going on your date. Maybe you’re not just going on vacation because you have, you know, um, more time off than the mother. And so also that means that while the child support itself is less the actual costs that the mother would experience, because if the mother had the child, most of the time they were absorbing the real world costs. What it really cost to put gas in the car, feed the child the lights on more. Um, and so the actual cost of living, which is not, there is no cola or cost of living adjustment calculated in child support, and there’s no inflation calculated in child support. So where is that found? That is found in the actual time sharing itself? So when a father has the children equal time, then they will experience more of the real world costs.

(03:12):
Um, it is 2024 as of the date of this recording. And in the United States, things are quite expensive. We are dealing with inflation. Over the past couple of years, things have gone up significantly. And so, um, for those fathers that are having 50%, they are feeling that financial impact. Um, and so, you know, not only are there, uh, things that they would normally buy or do, uh, expensive, but having the children equal time then limits their ability to go work and get the children, uh, and, and have the children less. And also, um, they would normally not have those real world costs as often that they are now assuming. Um, so I think that that is tougher. Um, I think too that it is, it, it, there is a learning curve. I know that I went through a learning curve of, um, exercising what my current wife has called tender strength.

(04:14):
Um, a lot of times the fathers are more of the disciplinarians and the mothers are more gentle, um, with the children. Not always. I’ve seen completely opposite inside out, upside down, reverse and backwards of all of that. But generally, and I’m making a general 30, maybe even 40,000 foot broad stroke of, um, what I have experienced in the almost 50 years living on this planet and doing mediation for 17 years now. But for the most part, um, that is what I have seen. And so with the fathers having the children, 50% of the time, there’s that strength that they have exhibited as the father during the marriage, but now they’re having to learn a tenderness as well because they have the children equally. So it’s not just the fun, it’s also the disciplinarian, but then there’s also the nurturing when the children are sick or, you know, if a father is at work, the school calls, the child is sick, he now has to leave work and go pick up the child.

(05:20):
He can’t just fly off the handle. He can’t just call the mother, Hey, you need to cover for me like they may have done during the marriage. That’s not how it works. Um, and so yeah, I mean that, that does create a level of difficulty. Now on the flip side, mothers are like, uh, that’s what I’ve always done. What do you mean difficult? That’s just how life is. Well, for the man to learn that when they have not done that, that’s difficult. And that may be as difficult for them to learn as, say, a stay at home mom who maybe during a marriage they were a stay at home mom. They can’t be a stay at home mom now because there’s not enough child support and maybe, or maybe not even any alimony at all in order for them to be able to make their bills and expenses and be a stay at home mom, no, they will now have to go out and get a job.

(06:14):
So there’s going to be a learning curve for a mother now. And that in modern times might be tough because maybe she was a stay at home mom. I have a lot of women that tell me, look, when we got married, we agreed that I would stay at home with the kids and now we’re getting divorced. Why should I have to go get a job? I need to be home with the kids. Well, if you want a home to have so that you can be there with the kids, you might need to go get a job so you can pay for the home so that you can have, so you can be home with your kids 50% of the time. Also, if you’re gonna have 50% of the time sharing, then that’s gonna free up the time that you did not have before. So on the flip side, why is modern time more difficult on the mother?

(07:06):
Well, the mother may have had the children more and now she’s gonna have them 50% of the time. And so she looks at this as though she is losing because she now does not have her kids. Um, majority of the time she only has them half of the time and she may feel like it’s tougher because now she may actually have to go out in the workforce, actually get a job. And, um, outside of the home. And while being a stay-at-Home, mom is a full-time job in so many different hats that a full-time mom, or even full-time dads, um, may have opposed to going out in the workforce and working one job. Now everybody is really on a level playing field because the mother will be out in the workforce and then also wearing multiple hats when she’s home with the kids half the time.

(08:01):
And the father will be out in the workforce, uh, workforce, workforce, and then when he is back in the house, he will be wearing multiple hats. Really what has happened is the playing field has been leveled for everybody. Joy’s rights and responsibilities of child rearing. That is what the statute in the state of Florida talks about. Uh, the statute is that the children, not the parents, the children public policy is that the children are entitled to frequent and continuing contact with both of their parents so that the parents can enjoy the joys, the rights, and the responsibilities of Childre. And so I think that, you know, mentally, you know, in the United States, at least for so many decades, we operated on the tender years doctrine and, um, which said that the children needed their mother more than the father. What we have found is that is never what the tender years doctrine actually stated.

(09:05):
Um, it was a fallacy and we have 40 years of empirical data of fatherless homes. And so, uh, what has been found out is that children need access to both parents. Now, there are those, uh, occasions where you may have a parent that is actually detrimental to a child. Um, I have been part of mediations where it has been a mother and it has been a father. I recently had a mediation where the mother was physically abusing the children, hitting them, slapping them, throwing things at them, kicking them when the child is on the floor in a fetal position. I have had it where, uh, a father has physically assaulted their own child. Um, I have had it where the father has physically assaulted the mother. I’ve had it where a mother has physically assaulted the father. I’ve seen so many different combinations of it.

(10:04):
It is never right. It is always wrong. But I think that leveling the playing field has made this tougher on both, because even though there’s a level playing field, there’s still an underlying tug of war that, uh, is, is taking place because mothers feel like fathers typically are taking from them. Um, and a lot of times I hear, I just had this recently where the mother said, you know, I feel like I don’t have any choice except to do 50 50. I have no choice in this divorce. I don’t have any choices. So I guess I just have to go along with it to where myself and her attorney both said, no, you have lots of choices. You have lots of choices. How you wanna structure the 50 50. It’s not just one way or the other. It’s about getting creative and creating a schedule that will work for both of you.

(11:06):
It’s not just his idea of the 50 50 schedule, but is it 50 50? Well, there is a rebuttable presumption. If you don’t like it, well then there are 20 factors in the statute and you can have a trial and go through all 20 factors. Um, I hope you have deep pockets and a lot of time because it is very expensive to do so. But it is an option if you believe that, um, you can hit the 20 factors and you’ve got the money because you’ve got two things you need to pay attention to when you are doing this, which also makes it tough on mothers and fathers when it comes to this time sharing issue is number one, you have to pay to play. And number two, you will get what you pay for, um, and to do, uh, this expensive adventure of the 20 factors, whether it is for decision making, whether it is for the time sharing.

(12:03):
Um, sometimes the going through the factors for alimony or even relocation, those are very expensive adventures. Um, they’re not cheap, they’re not easy, and they’re not quick. And so, you know, it’s, it’s good to get your legal advice to see what your options are and to find out the, the, you know, how long it will take, how much it will take, because that will help you decide whether or not you may need to negotiate a settlement that you can live with or whether you want to surrender your decision, making authority to a judge to decide and then dictate to you what the outcome is going to look like. So I think modern times, I think it’s not a tougher on mothers or fathers. I think it’s tough on both of them. I think it depends on the perspective and I do not see it getting any easier.

(13:01):
Um, only because, um, things are getting worse. They’re not getting better, they’re getting worse. And I think that people are gonna continue to fight. They’re gonna continue to argue. Um, the one thing that I can guarantee you is people are going to continue to have sex, which means they’re going to continue to have babies, which means they’re going to continue to be mothers and fathers dealing with tough times. Um, and as the modern times keep, uh, moving forward, uh, I see it just being difficult. So know the laws, um, know what you are facing, know your cost, know what you have in your favor. Know what’s not in your favor, but get all the answers, as many answers as you can from your attorney, um, or doing your own research. And, uh, if you need help in mediation, I’m here to help you because modern times I believe are tough on both mothers and fathers. It just depends on your perspective.

Matthew Brickman:
Occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q&A bonus episodes where we’ll answer your questions and give you a personal shoutout.

Sydney Mitchell:
If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that’s info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.

Matthew Brickman:

For more information about my services or to schedule your mediation with me, either in person or using my iChatMediation Virtual Platform built by Cisco Communications. Visit me online at www.iMediateInc.com. Call me at 561-262-9121, Toll-Free at 877-822-1479 or email me at MBrickman@iChatMediation.com.