Help! My Spouse and I Disagree on The Best Interest of our Children

Mediate This! Podcast:

Hi, my name is Sydney Mitchell. Hi, I’m Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

(00:13):
I had another listener write in and ask, uh, this is a great question that, um, I deal with a lot when we’re dealing with parenting plans. It says, what if my spouse and I completely disagree on the best interests of the children? Does the judge simply make the decision for us? Um, so let’s talk about best interests of the children. Um, in, uh, the state of Florida as of July, 2023, the statute reads that the child or the children are entitled to frequent and continuing contact with both parents after the parents separate or the marriage of the parties is dissolved. Um, so that it encourages the mom and dad to share in the joys rights responsibilities of child, right? So number one, parents don’t have rights to their children. The children have rights to their parents. Number two, the statute as of July, 2023, says that there is a rebuttable presumption that equal time sharing is in the best interest of the child.

(01:20):
So what exactly does that mean? Well, that means that the children should be with both parents, uh, equally, but there’s a rebuttable presumption. Well, what does that mean? Well, that’s the lowest standard of law. Basically either have to prove that it’s more likely that it is, that it isn’t, or that it isn’t, rather than it is. Um, but in Florida we have ex um, very detailed, uh, factors. In chapter 61 of Florida statute, we have 20 factors that go through and talk about best interests of the child. Um, if you can get, uh, if you can overcome that burden and the judge has to make a specific written finding to every single factor, otherwise, it’s 50 50. So if you’re arguing over, well, what’s in the best interest of the child? Um, there is only one tiebreaker, and that is the judge. And so, yes, the judge will make that decision for both parents.

(02:25):
Now, is that good or bad? I would say it’s bad, uh, because, uh, if the judge has to step in and make that decision, that means that both the mother and the father voluntarily surrendered their grown up adult decision making authority. These aren’t two little kids that need a tiebreaker. These are adults. These are people that should be logical and rational human beings that should be able to make their own decisions on how to control and conduct their own lives. But many a times in a divorce, the children are the ones who are acting more like the adults. And the adults are acting like children. Therefore, then they do need a judge to step in and tell the two of them how life is going to be. Um, there is many times in my past where I really wish the judge, uh, ruled based on morality, not just the law.

(03:26):
But then at the same time, I thought about it and said, well, whose morality his or her morality, my morality, your morality? No, maybe that’s not a good idea because the judge may have a different moral standard than I do, and so maybe that’s not good. So they do have the direction of looking at the best interest factors that have been outlined in the statute. So it’s important to know in your particular state, if you’ve got factors in your statute outlining best interests of the child, uh, because that gives you direction to actually look and see, okay, well, you know, where may the judge align with the other party versus me? And it’s always important. Don’t just look at this from your side. Look at it from the other side too, going Well, do they have any good arguments? Do I sort of fall short on a particular ar argument?

(04:21):
Because that’s exactly what’s gonna go down in a court of law. The judge is never going to find everything in one side or the other because that would make one person absolutely perfect. Um, and there are no perfect people. Um, so, um, you know, who gets to make that decision? The judge will. Now there’s a lot of times, um, where we use different tools. We use different websites to help people help themselves avoid the judge. So for example, one of the things that comes up a lot is schooling school boundary. Um, ever since in the state of Florida, this was back in 2011, ever since the legislature got rid of the terms primary and secondary parenting terms such as custody and visitation, those no longer exist in family law in the state of Florida. So ever since those terms, uh, went away, um, and we were left with two terms, time sharing and parental responsibility, uh, and decision making.

(05:28):
So when it came to education, it seemed to be the final frontier of power grabbing for one parent. One parent seemed to think that if they were named the person for school boundary, therefore they had a little bit more control or power than the other person. That’s flat out wrong because the core foundation of shared parental responsibility and decision making is you have to decide mutually on all, uh, all terms. And that includes where that child’s going to school. Does it matter if you are named a school boundary or not? School boundary is is only there because you can’t unilaterally just pick a public school and say, I want my kid to go to public school X. No, it’s based off of your addresses, whatever you’re zoned for. Now, there are exceptions. Uh, what if your child gets accepted into a magnet program at a different public school?

(06:29):
That’s an exception. What if it’s a choice program and you apply or it’s a lottery? That’s an exception. Sure. But if you are not in a magnet program, if you’re not in a choice program, um, then school has to be based on one of your two addresses. You can’t just say, I’m just gonna put my kid in this school. Um, I’ve seen some parents try to circumvent that and use a grandparent’s address. Uh, but when they get caught, well then guess what? The child has to go to. One of the parents’ addresses not a grandparent. Now, when it comes to charter schools or private schools, um, then school boundary is not even applicable and that just falls back on shared parental responsibility and decision making. But that’s really where we do look at best interests of the child, is in their schooling. I’ll give you an example.

(07:21):
I had a mediation where, um, neither the mother nor the father could agree on whose school, uh, or whose address was gonna be used for school boundary. Now, the child was only four years old and so was not in school yet. So what they decided to do is they said, well, once the child starts school, whoever is in the school zone that has a highest rated school, well then they will be the one who has their address designated. Okay, so what metrics are we using? Now, again, I’m in Florida. And so there’s a couple of different metrics. You could use the Department of Education, you could use, um, Palm Beach County School District, you could use school digger.com. There’s different metrics to use. Well, these two people did not choose the metrics. So the father was using the Florida Department of Education, the mother was using Palm Beach County School District.

(08:22):
Well, they didn’t line up. So now what? Well, a judge has to then make the decision. I had another mediation very similar, where they agreed that they would simply use school digger.com. Now, school digger.com is different than say Florida Department of Education or Palm Beach County School District because it’s a new numerical ranking, not a letter grade ranking. So it’s not like, oh, it’s an A rated. Well, what do we do if we’re both in a rated schools school digger uses a numerical ranking and ranks actually what matters, which is math, science, reading, um, not just gives you a letter because your teacher taught your child how to take a test, therefore they got more funding and now they have a higher letter grade. Um, and so this particular couple said, look, whoever is in the higher rated school, according to school digger will have their address designated.

(09:16):
Well then when the child was ready to go to school, they each put their address in and out of the 2200, uh, elementary schools, you know, it would then rank them in 2200 in the entire state, it would put them in a numerical ranking. It’s impossible to get the same exact, uh, number. And so that’s another really great way to deal with that. And we, we often recommend that in mediation, but had a mediation where the parties did agree that they were going to use the same metrics. They said, we are going to use the Palm Beach County School District metrics to determine the school with the highest rating. Well, here was the problem. When the child was ready to go to school, the mother was in the higher rated school, she was in an A rated district. Her school that the child was zoned two was A, the father was b well, not the end.

(10:22):
You would think, well, okay, mom won. Well, no, dad filed, uh, with the court and wanted to have a best interest hearing based on the school because even though the mother did have the higher rated, he felt that the child had some special needs that needed to be addressed. And so the school, by him, even though it was lower, he thought it would meet the child’s best interest. So off to court, they went and they put on their show for the court. They brought in their evidence and did everything. And in the end, the judge simply made the decision and the judge actually ruled for the father, even though he had a B rated school because it turned out that their child tested and was on the spectrum of autism. The father’s school, even though it was B rated, was the drop off school for children of autism in all of Palm Beach County.

(11:25):
And so the best interest of the child was met, not just a higher rating. And so, um, if, and, and so we see that a lot. Best interest really comes up a lot when it comes to schooling. Um, sometimes, you know, parents use the child as an excuse of best interest because the school’s closer to one of their addresses than it is to the other, and they don’t want to drive or, or whatnot. But, you know, just know that if two parents cannot figure out best interest, whether it’s time sharing, whether it’s school, if they cannot figure out best interest of the child, well then yes, they will surrender their decision making authority to a single individual who will make probably one of the most life altering decisions can do that, whether it’s school or even timesharing that can change the entire trajectory of that child. And instead of the two parents just putting their swords down and really focusing on best interests, well, then they will surrender that to one judge who will make that final family decision for them.

Matthew Brickman:
Occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q&A bonus episodes where we’ll answer your questions and give you a personal shoutout.

Sydney Mitchell:
If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that’s info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.

Matthew Brickman:

For more information about my services or to schedule your mediation with me, either in person or using my iChatMediation Virtual Platform built by Cisco Communications. Visit me online at www.iMediateInc.com. Call me at 561-262-9121, Toll-Free at 877-822-1479 or email me at MBrickman@iChatMediation.com.