Help! I Found Out My Spouse Is Already Married. What Do I Do Now?

Sydney Mitchell:

Hi. My name is Sydney Mitchell.

Matthew Brickman:

Hi, I’m Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

 

Sydney Mitchell:
As many of you know, we have been collecting questions from some of our listeners online, and we are looking at a long list of questions, uh, that you guys have submitted to us. And I wanna tackle a couple of these today, Matthew, that have to do with, um, us citizenship marrying in different countries. So we’ve got two questions here that are, uh, kind of underneath the same umbrella. And the first one says, is it possible to marry someone who is married in another state or country? And if this happens, what recourse do I have after I find out? So sounds like someone married, someone found out that they were married in another state or country. What do you do? How do you even go about that? Is that person married twice? Uh, which marriage is legal. How does all of that work? I’m sure we’ve got a lot of listeners coming from. I know that we have a lot of listeners coming from actually all different parts of the world. Um, so this is actually a really, really great topic for a lot of us.

Matthew Brickman:
So, so Sydney, um, I’m just gonna start out with, I had a mediation, um, you know, um, where this actually happened. So number of years ago, uh, had a mediation, the husband was Russian. He was actually what they consider a Russian enforcer. He was the guy that worked for the Russian mob that if you didn’t pay, he’d come and break your legs. Um, <laugh> sort, sort of a dangerous guy. Um, he had a Russian, uh, attorney, um, from Miami day county. Um, it was a Palm beach county case.

Sydney Mitchell:
I was, I was gonna ask about that. It’s interesting.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. Yeah. It was a Palm beach county case and, uh, mom was a us citizen and, um, they both lived in Palm beach county and she found out that he was having an affair. So she files for divorce then finds out that he’s married in Russia.

Sydney Mitchell:
Is this is the affair with the, with

Matthew Brickman:
Yes. So what she thought was an affair? Well, not really an affair. That’s his other wife.

Sydney Mitchell:
So his other wife lives in Florida, but they got married in Russia.

Matthew Brickman:
No, no. He’s got one wife in Russia that he was married to in Russia. And he’s how are they having one wife in the us that he’s married to in the us,

Sydney Mitchell:
Right. Yeah. So how is he, he’s just having an emotional affair or? Oh no, no,

Matthew Brickman:
Like there, he’s married to two different people in two different countries.

Sydney Mitchell:
Yes.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah.

Sydney Mitchell:
But he is having an affair with someone in Russia.

Matthew Brickman:
I mean, well, I mean, so it depends which woman you are. If you are the Russian woman, he is in the United States having an affair. If you are the American woman, he is in Russia having an affair. See? But no, no, no, no. He’s actually married to both of them.

Sydney Mitchell:
I could see how that’s confusing. Yeah,

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah, yeah. So, so this comes out in mediation that he’s actually married and we’re like, okay, so exactly what this question is. Okay. Now what, right.

Sydney Mitchell:
Yeah.

Matthew Brickman:
So let’s back up to this listener’ question. Is it possible? Sure. It’s possible. It’s been done. Is it advisable? No, it’s not advisable, but is it possible? It’s sort of Sydney. It goes to what I always used to tell my kids the difference between can’t and shouldn’t can you absolutely. Should you probably not. Right. So is it possible? Sure. It is. Is it advisable? No.

Sydney Mitchell:
So is it possible because I’m guessing maybe he had dual citizenship.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. I, I, I, I believe he did have dual citizenship.

Sydney Mitchell:
Well, I guess here, lemme back up, I guess.

Matthew Brickman:
I don’t know. I don’t know for sure. And I don’t know if that would have mattered. All I know was he’s got a Russian bride that he’s legally married to in Russia, and he’s got an American bride that he is legally married to America.

Sydney Mitchell:
I’m just wondering if and how citizenship plays a part in the ability to be married twice or not.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. So, so one of the other questions, um, and I’m gonna jump, cuz cuz you said we have a couple, one of the other questions that we have is if my SP spouse and I hold dual citizenship, does it matter which country we get married in? Will both countries automatically recognize the marriage and what happens if we get divorced? That’s such a loaded question. It really has. I don’t think it has. I mean, at least from me, from as a mediator, I don’t have the knowledge or insight. I mean, uh, to answer that because for them to, to answer that question, you would need to know international law. You would need to know the laws of the country. You’re talking about citizenship laws. Um, I have no idea. Like if my spouse and I hold dual citizenship, does it matter which country we get married in? I don’t know. I mean, you know, the short answer would be like, I don’t think so. Um, and will both countries automatically recognize the marriage that I don’t know? And what happens if we get divorced? Well, if you get divorced, you get divorced. I’m not sure what they’re looking for with what happens if we get, they

Sydney Mitchell:
Either wondering which country you would have to proceed with the divorce in or if you could proceed in the, in the other country.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. So, but again, I don’t know because they have dual citizenship and yet, and, and, and, and I don’t know if you’ve run into people in Florida cuz you know, we’re, we’re, we’re not like New York where you’ve got people from all over the world, but we are quite a melting pot in south Florida.

Sydney Mitchell:
Yeah, Florida. Yeah. It’s, it’s very big

Matthew Brickman:
And Florida’s, Florida’s a melting pot. And so I have met many people with dual citizenship. I’ve had mediations where the, you know, one of the parents wants to get a, uh, dual citizenship in a, in a dual passport for the child. So, you know, I I’ve run into that. What I don’t know is who’s automatically recognizing the marriage. What happens if they get divorce? Like who who’s dealing with that. Yeah. Um, so going back to the first question and then we’ll go to a new question that’s sort of all tied in here. Is, is it possible to marry someone who’s married in another state or country? Yes, it’s possible. Is it advisable? No. And if it happens, what recourse do I have if you find out file for divorce? Um, sometimes, um, sometimes people will do an annulment. Uh, it’s more of a religious thing, but sometimes people will do.

Matthew Brickman:
Um, sometimes, sometimes people will just do, you know, I just gimme an annulment, not a divorce, but gimme an annulment. Um, gimme an, um, but usually like, like if you find out and if you’re not okay with, you know, the whole sister wives type thing, well then you file for divorce. Um, in this particular situation with the Russian guy was he had to like, he it’s a us marriage. It’s a, Florida’s got jurisdiction. It’s Florida, family law. It’s equitable distribution. Luckily they had no children. So you didn’t have to do time sharing and child support, but it was equitable distribution. And they had, he had to give her half of all of the assets. She was responsible for half of the debt. So it was as simple. Let’s just run an equitable distribution chart, divide everything, 50 50, he’s getting divorced here. You can go back to Russia and still be married. Like, okay,

Sydney Mitchell:
I guess it’s as simple as that.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. I mean, it

Sydney Mitchell:
Wasn’t that simple for them, but

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. I mean, I mean when you’re in it, no, probably not that simple getting out of it if you don’t wanna be in there and file for divorce. Right. So yeah. So

Sydney Mitchell:
I guess I’m, I’m wondering if she’s wondering if she has any additional, um, like she or she, or he, I guess I don’t know on she, so I, sometimes I just pretend everything’s a, she, um, if this happens, what recourse do I have after I find out? Yeah.

Matthew Brickman:
File for divorce. Um, I mean, I mean, look, I know, I know at least in most states, maybe on states, like we’ve got polygamy, an anti polygamy laws, so yeah. You’re not supposed to have multiple wives or multiple husbands or whatnot. So you know, is again, is it possible to marry someone who’s married? Yes. It’s possible advisable. No.

Sydney Mitchell:
Is it possible? This is not a question that somebody submitted, but that I just came up with. Is it possible to be married in the us twice or

Matthew Brickman:
Someone? I imagine so, because we don’t have like a national database of marriage. Right? So hypothetically, hypothetically Sydney, I am married in the state of Florida. Mm-hmm <affirmative> if you go to Martin county and you type in my name, it’ll show that I was married and divorced in Martin county to my ex-wife. If you go to Palm beach county and you look up my name, you’ll see that I am married to my current wife. Right. But let’s say hypothetically that, um, let’s say that I got a, a traveling job and let’s say that I ended up working for like a month in a different state. And I met somebody and we went to the court. We said, well, man fell manly in love and went to the courthouse and got married and she didn’t ask. And I didn’t tell. And <laugh>

Sydney Mitchell:
Disaster this whole thing.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. I mean like, this is why, like, this is why that whole like, you know, on TV where they’ve got like, we dated for 24 hours and we got married. Like, come on, marriage is so much more important. You don’t go out on one date and then, oh, we’re gonna go get married.

Sydney Mitchell:
No. Okay. Real quick. Interjection. Matthew I’m watching married at first sight

Matthew Brickman:
As married is. That’s what I’m thinking. Married.

Sydney Mitchell:
Um, okay, so I’m in season 12 of <laugh>. Yeah. We’re on season 12. I’ve seen every single season. Sorry. I know this is not about the question, but

Matthew Brickman:
No, no, no, no. Tell me I’m I’m interested. Okay.

Sydney Mitchell:
So yeah, I’m watching season 12 right now. And so if you listeners are not familiar with the show Marriot at first sight, it’s a lifetime show on Hulu and basically four psychologists pair people together based on compatibility and they meet at the altar. Um, and so the first time ever seeing each other, knowing anything about each other, they meet at the all anyway, Matthew. So literally, um, this one, couple <laugh>, oh, it’s just such a crazy situation. So I won’t, I won’t share all the details, but the big news that we just found out two days after they were married for the first time ever meeting each other two days into the marriage, he finds out that his ex fiances pregnant. And I’m just like, what?

Matthew Brickman:
Ouch.

Sydney Mitchell:
I’m like, this is why you don’t walk into marrying somebody that you’ve never met.

Matthew Brickman:
Wow.

Sydney Mitchell:
It’s just a very wild story anyway.

Matthew Brickman:
Back to the, okay, so, so, so I’m gonna digress slightly. <laugh> I don’t know. I, I don’t know if listeners have heard this story or not, but many, many years ago I tried after my divorce, I tried a local matchmaking service. These people couldn’t match me out of a paper bag. I mean, they were so bad. They were so, so incredibly wrong and it was very expensive and I found, okay, that’s not working well. Right, right. After that, you know, the whole internet dating thing started to happen. Mm-hmm <affirmative> and I’m like, okay, well a much cheaper, lesser version of matchmaking. Right. And so, you know, you would fill out, I don’t know if you’ve ever done it, but you fill out your profile and everything, and then it’s supposed to start to link you together. And mm-hmm, <affirmative> figure out compatibility and whatnot and put you together, man.

Matthew Brickman:
They could match me out of a paper bag either. I mean, and I actually went on a few dates with a couple of people and it lasted like one or two dates. I’m like, oh my gosh, what in the world? No, what’s interesting. Anything like that? So, so I’m gonna fast forward to the end and then I’m gonna come back one step. So after I met my wife in person, her and I were talking and said, oh, well, you’re on match. I’m on match. And we went and looked at each other’s profiles and based on what we put on our profiles, it would’ve never matched us up yet. Here we are. You know, we, we met in 2008 and it’s 2022 and she is amazing. But if you looked at our match profiles, it would’ve never matched her. So, and it was interesting because she said, I don’t want, you know, I don’t want anyone younger.

Matthew Brickman:
I don’t want anyone with tattoos, no piercings know this, know that. And of course I’m going, all of those are <laugh>. Yeah. And I mean that that’s everything that I, that I was at the time. Right? Tattoos, piercings, all this stuff. And it would’ve never matched us because, but what, but when we met, oh, it was so much deeper than just an appearance. It was so much deeper than, than, than a piercing or a tattoo and, and whatnot. And so couldn’t match. I mean, that was bad, but this is interesting. I got invited to my best friend’s wedding. He met his wife on, um, eHarmony, which is supposed to match you on all these various, just like you were saying that love at first I match you on all the different, various levels of compatibility. I’m sure our listeners have seen, you know, the advertisement with the old guy going, we met you on.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. There’s no way you haven’t seen an advertise all the different levels of compatibility now here’s, what’s interesting. I, I go to this wedding, so my buddy, best friend ever, he met his wife on, on this and they’re, and, and they’re still married to this day. And it was funny because all of his groomsmen had met their wives. I mean, it was like a giant eHarmony reunion advertisement, right. Because you know, the groom met the bride and then all the grooms then met the, and then there was me, I had tried eHarmony and it took me a while because I mean, it was pages and pages and pages of information. Right. So I fill out all the information, everything, and then of course it, it, this is like international. Like it will match you from anyone in the world, right?

Sydney Mitchell:
You, you I’m, well, I’m guessing you can select filters of some kind, right?

Matthew Brickman:
You can put filters on there, but you know what, at the time I had done match.com and it was so bad and I’d done the, the, the, uh, the matchmaking service so bad. I didn’t have any filters on there. I just put what I was looking, what I, what, who I was and what I was looking for. Yeah. I paid my money and it’s quite expensive too. Sydney, you, when it came back and said,

Matthew Brickman:
Not compatible, I’m like what? Anybody, there’s nobody in the world like this matches. So forget about love at first sight. I wouldn’t even be on that show because this thing that’s supposed to look at all the different levels of compatibility and K connect said, unmatchable, sorry, sorry, buddy unmatchable. So I go to this wedding and everyone is like, eHarmony E harmony. I’m like, screw eHarmony. I’m unmatchable. Like, there’s nobody on this planet for me. And it was true because of, because it wasn’t too much later that I met my wife and not on eHarmony. And we are absolutely compatible. I was not compatible through their system because God had something else waiting for me.

Sydney Mitchell:
Amen.

Matthew Brickman:
So in any case, but I

Sydney Mitchell:
Can’t imagine the, the shock of

Matthew Brickman:
I was I look, look, I was already depressed because I was alone. Didn’t you tell me, there’s nobody on the planet. That’s compatible with me now. I think in a deeper depression. Right.

Sydney Mitchell:
Well,

Matthew Brickman:
Okay. So right.

Sydney Mitchell:
Sorry. We,

Matthew Brickman:
The third, so, so the third part of this question, and I have a great story for this. It happens next Sunday. So it says if my spouse and I are us citizens, can we get married in another country? Will the us recognize the marriage? And will we have to go back to that country if we get divorced? So I’ll tell you a story and that should answer this question. So my wife’s son met a girl and they live in Colorado and they decided that they are going to do a destination wedding. They are going to fly to Spain and get married. Okay. So let’s look at the question and they get married next week. Okay. So if my spouse and I are us citizens, which my wife’s son and his fiance are, can we get married in another country? The answer is yes. Yes, you can. They are flying into Spain to get married.

Sydney Mitchell:
A lot of people do destination.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. Destination weddings. Will the us recognize the marriage? Yes. It’s a legal marriage. Will you have to go back to that country to divorce? No, you do not have to go back to that country to divorce. So they live in Colorado. So they, um, if, if they, if they go to Spain, they get married. Great. Now she’s from there. So her family’s from there. So that’s why it’s a heritage. It’s a family thing or whatnot. Great. Find whatever. But if they get divorced, well, if they’re living in the state of Colorado, they’re gonna follow the state of Colorado’s laws, because that’s where they’re living. As a husband and wife, they’re gonna fall under the jurisdiction of Colorado. I have another friend who’s local. And, um, he wanted me to do his wedding in Georgia. Now I can perform weddings as a notary, cuz I’m a notary under the state of Florida.

Matthew Brickman:
So I can perform weddings, which is a little odd that you’re gonna have a family long divorce mediator. Do your, do your wedding. I don’t know if that’s like a bad Oman. Um, it is a little interesting. The ver and I I’ve done, I think three weddings. The first one where it said on the line item for the merit certificate Sydney, it says, you know, name of a Phish, me, Matthew Breckman. It said occupation. And I wrote divorce mediator on your that’s hilarious certificate. <laugh> yeah. So after, and in hindsight, after I told a couple people that they’re like what you did, what? So then what? You leave that

Sydney Mitchell:
Mediator. You had to put the divorce in there.

Matthew Brickman:
I know. Right? I know. So then, so then what I did was then I changed it and I put, I put conflict resolution specialist. That sounds so much better on your marriage certificate than the course mediator. Right. Um, but in any case, but any case, but what I told my friend is I said, look, I can’t go to Georgia and marry you and Georgia under Georgia law and Georgia. And I even looked at it, Georgia’s got some pretty crazy marriage ceremony type things, whatever that I’m like, ah, look, I, I’m not doing it now. Like I looked at it, can’t do it. I said, look, why don’t you guys just do it here? I’ll if you want, I’ll do a little ceremony for you and your friends and family, and then go there. And if you wanna get married in blue Ridge, fine, just do a ceremony there.

Matthew Brickman:
But you’re legally married in the state of Florida. Nope. For whatever reason, they want to get married in the state of Georgia file a marriage certificate in the state of Georgia and I’m and I said, well, so do you plan on living there? Oh no, no. It’s just our favorite place to vacation. What? So you’re okay. Look. No judgment. I love him. He’s amazing. His wife soon to be wife is amazing, but guess what? Um, if they get divorced, they’ll be subject to the rules of the state of Florida, even though they got married in Georgia. Mm-hmm <affirmative> so,

Sydney Mitchell:
And they’re residing in Florida.

Matthew Brickman:
Well, yes, unless they are then in Georgia, let’s say that they get married. They come back to Florida and let’s say 10 years from now, they move to Georgia. They’re living in Georgia. They file for divorce. They’re filing divorced in Georgia, under Georgia law. Right, right. Yeah. Um, but like, you know, for, for my wife’s son, he’s not gonna have to fly all the way back to Spain to file divorce under Spanish law. No, not unless they lived in Spain. Now, if they flew over there got married and if they end up there and then they’re living there as Spanish citizens and then they file for divorce. Well then yeah. You’ll be subject to Spain law. Um, but yeah. I mean, look you, I don’t know. I don’t know if you’ve got friends stuff. I know, I know that a lot of your friends are getting married recently and stuff, but you know, we live in south Florida. A lot of people go down to the Caribbean, they’ll go down to Bahamas. They’ll go down to Mexico. They’ll do these little destination weddings and yeah. You’re not doing it in the us, but the us is recognizing it. Absolutely. Right.

Sydney Mitchell:
Yeah. I hadn’t even thought about the, the destination wedding thing before you said that, like I read the question. I was like, oh, that’s a really great question. And it is a great question. And then I thought, oh yeah, destination weddings, people do that all the time. <laugh> so yeah, that was a great, great, uh,

Matthew Brickman:
I’ll I’ll tell you, I am not a fan of destination weddings because what you’re doing is you are forcing a, you basically, you’re forcing a huge cost on friends and family just to go watch you for a five, seven minute ceremony maybe. And that’s a huge cost that not everybody can afford. Um, even family. I mean, unfortunately, you know, for example, with, with, you know, my wife, she doesn’t have the time or the, or the resources to fly for the United States to Spain for her son’s seven minute wedding. Um, his father does. And so, you know, that creates a little bit, you know, you know, a little bit of family riff already. His, you know, I don’t, I don’t think his brother’s going. Um, and so, you know, but her family’s all there and it’s like, well, that doesn’t seem right or fair. But look,

Sydney Mitchell:
I mean, if they made the decision together, though,

Matthew Brickman:
These are adults, they’re adult children. Yes. There’ll always be your children. I look, would I be upset if my son said, dad, I’m going somewhere to go get married. And I’m like, well, okay, great. But I’m not coming. Yeah. I, I would miss it. Okay, fine. But look, he’s an adult. Make your own decision. I’m not getting Ben outta shape over it. Yeah. I got my, I got my own things to worry about, you know? Um, and some people, some people said, oh my gosh. So one of another, one of my friends real quick, I’ll wrap up with this story. He was, he, he was engaged. He was going to get married. Um, I think in Georgia and no, no, no, no, no, no. I think, I think he was gonna go up to Maryland or Connecticut or New Hampshire, some of where his fiance was from because all of her friends and family up there, they were gonna go up there and legally get married. Then they were gonna come back down here and do a ceremony, but they’d already be legally married and have a whole nother reception for all their friends and family here where he is.

Sydney Mitchell:
A lot of people are doing that now. I feel like.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. And you know, I, I also heard a story where someone lived in Florida, um, went down to The Bahamas, got legally married. There came back here, did a ceremony in Florida and flew up north and did another ceremony. So basically if they had like one official wedding, two ceremonial weddings, and three receptions,

Sydney Mitchell:
I feel like I, I have, I don’t remember who, but somebody in my life loosely at some level in the last couple years, I think I had talked to them and they had done either two or three ceremonies. So I mean, it’s not common, but every once in a while, especially with COVID. Yeah. Um, that has been a very, you know, it’s been a new development in some ways too, you know, people doing a ceremony for one family here that isn’t willing to be in a big group and another family and yeah. Too much for me to manage. But anyway, continue your story.

Matthew Brickman:
Well, in, in Sydney, speaking of COVID, COVID has really opened up, um, a whole new world of video. So for example, I’ll give you an example. My wife and I live right here. Right? We, we live right here in, uh, in Florida and not eight miles up the road from us lives, her sister and now husband. Now they wanted to have just a small. And when I talk small, his son and kids, his best friend and me and my wife, I mean like small little wedding, right. They wanted me to perform it. But at the time this was when we still had Piper, a little dog that needed 24 hour care mm-hmm <affirmative>. And so my wife, unfortunately, couldn’t go now it’s like right up the road, but she could not leave Piper. So what we did was we videotaped it, I set up a tripod and we live streamed it so that she could be a part of it.

Matthew Brickman:
And that’s actually what her son is gonna do when he’s in Spain, they’re gonna live stream it. And that’s something that COVID has sort of opened up the door for is to be able to FaceTime Google chat, live stream, Facebook streaming. We live streamed my daughter’s wedding. It was supposed to be over a thousand people. Of course COVID happened. Nobody could fly around the country or even in or out of the country. And then by the time they had the restrictions lifted a little bit, there was like 50 people, but we live streamed it, um, on Facebook and on YouTube so that everybody watches. So my parents who are in Africa were able to, you know, go to sleep, wake up. I think it was like two or three o’clock in the morning to watch it live. Um, and so, yeah, I mean, you know, you don’t have to physically be there. You can livestream

Sydney Mitchell:
And if you get married on Facebook, can you still get divorced in the us? Yes.

Matthew Brickman:
Oh, then see, there you go. It’s a virtual wedding. Yeah. But you know what? You still gotta, you still gotta be based somewhere. Like you’re like, you’re in, like I had an Oculus wedding, it was virtual. It was <laugh>, you know, there was, there was a, there, there were two virtual memes.

Sydney Mitchell:
I won’t even be surprised, Matthew. I,

Matthew Brickman:
I wouldn’t be surprised either. Right. Like welcome to the future. Like I, I was virtually married. We had three virtual children, you know, and now we’re literally getting divorced, but we don’t have anything except cryptocurrency. Oh, there’s a whole nother topic. Right. We have virtual money that is now. And in Sydney in closing, I’ve had recently, I’ve had a couple of mediations with cryptocurrency. The whole of cryptocurrency is you can’t track or trace it. Do you know how hard it is to equitably divide something that is intentionally meant to hide? Oh my gosh. I know.

Sydney Mitchell:
I would be curious to hear more about that at some point. Yeah.

Matthew Brickman:
Maybe another episode.

Sydney Mitchell:
All right. I’m gonna jot a note down. Anyone else interested in cryptocurrency? If so, no. Let us

Matthew Brickman:
Us know. Yeah. Let us know if you are, we’ll talk about it. But, um, but there’s, there’s our questions from the listeners about, you know, is it possible to marry someone who’s also married another state or country? What if you get married in another state or country or what if you have dual citizenship that sort of just, I think hopefully takes care of that. And we gave ’em a couple other tidbits about marriage and divorce. <laugh>

Sydney Mitchell:
Matthew, thank you so much for insight. I know all these questions. Uh, there were some that you said you couldn’t answer because it it’s kind of dependent upon international law at that point. But, uh, if you listeners have any more questions regarding these topics or others, please do not hesitate to submit. We would love to talk about it.

Matthew Brickman:
Occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q & A bonus episodes where we will answer questions and give you a personal shout out.

Sydney Mitchell:
If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that’s info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.