How to End a Toxic Marriage (Safely)

Sydney Mitchell:

Hi. My name is Sydney Mitchell.

Matthew Brickman:

Hi, I’m Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

Sydney Mitchell:
Hello everyone. And welcome to today’s episode of Mediate This! My name is Sydney sitting here with Matthew and today we’re gonna be addressing one of the questions that our listeners have submitted. And Matthew, this question is, uh, it’s, it’s a little more of an unfortunate one. Uh, it reads I’m in a toxic marriage where domestic violence is involved. How do I get a divorce without making things worse? My empathetic heart is, is with this person. I can’t imagine how complex and challenging it must be to be navigating domestic violence in your relationship. Um, and then having to make a really big life decision in order to, you know, potentially create safety for yourself. So it’s, it’s gotta be very overwhelming. Matthew, how would you advise this person to move forward? They’re asking how do they get a divorce without making things even more complicated?

Matthew Brickman:
Well, I know that you said that it’d be hard to imagine, but if you recently lived anywhere on the planet and had access to Johnny and Amber herd, well, guess what, not all that difficult to imagine. Um, I mean, when, when I read this, the first thing, I mean, that is the first thing that jumps to mind is Johnny DEP and Amber heard, um, two people that were toxic and most likely, I mean, if you listen to the testimony and granted theirs was about defamation, but they were, they were both involved with domestic violence towards one another. Um, and so, you know, how do you get out without making things worse? Don’t on, don’t go on TV and televise it. Like

Sydney Mitchell:
That is a good point. Number

Matthew Brickman:
One, that’s a good point. First off, do not have a trial on TV about it. Oh my gosh. Right. Um,

Sydney Mitchell:
At all, anybody at work like was, was talking about it’s they, people were just sitting around watching this stuff for hours and hours on

Matthew Brickman:
End. I know. So I mean, it, it was about as bad as OJ, right? Like, yeah. Its like, oh yeah we have no life. We’re just gonna sit there and watch. Yeah. Johnny and Amber heard. So in any case,

Sydney Mitchell:
On the real though.

Matthew Brickman:
Yeah. So in a, in, in a toxic marriage, other than the two of them where domestic violence is involved, you absolutely absolutely do need to do things without getting, you know, without making it worse. Usually you need to get out of that situation because for example, you’re not, you’re not gonna be a petition or get the petition and legally serve that person and they’re gonna come home to you. What they’re gonna probably beat you. And I don’t care if it’s a man or a woman they’re not going to be happy about it. So definitely get out of the situation, their shelters go, go to a friend’s house, go to a family member’s house. Um, usually when domestic violence is involved, you do have to hire attorneys because you do not want to be involved with the other party. If you’re doing it pro se you are involved.

Matthew Brickman:
And you know, if there’s already that fear, intimidation control manipulation, you will need to get an attorney. But Sydney, this is where the iChat mediation virtual platform works the best because if they need to, to leave, sometimes that is leaving geographically, that’s leaving the, the county that’s leaving the state, um, that could even mean leaving the country, going back to your country of origin. But guess what? That may make things better, not worse to get divorced because now you’re emotionally out of it, but you’re geographically removed from it. There’s an extreme boundary placed where now you’re simply going through a process, but we can do it virtual. So you could do it from the safety, comfort and convenience of your home or your office, or even a, a, a battered woman’s shelter where nobody even knows where you are geographically. You can blur a background, put a fake background on, we can still move through this process. We can put you in separate rooms. I have the ability to mute you if you’re gonna start getting, um,

Sydney Mitchell:
I just think about that always makes me laugh. I just, I wanna be in a serious situation and just beep

Matthew Brickman:
<laugh> you know, and, and, and look, I’ve had to do this with, with people as well as attorneys who have gotten out of hand. And I, and I’m like, look, if you’re gonna continue this, I will mute you. And no one’s going to hear anything that you have to say, you know, this is not a form that you get to be an. You do not get to use fear in intimidation and manipulation and mediation. My job is to empower people, but that doesn’t mean I’m empowering you to then intimidate. No. And so yeah, I can mute you. So it is a great platform. This is a great doing it. Virtual is a great platform when there is domestic violence involved because you can move on without making it worse. But generally again, generally, you’re gonna get attorneys involved. You’re gonna get, um, you’re, you’re gonna have a third party.

Matthew Brickman:
You may even have a shelter involved, you know, um, some other type of an advocate helping. Um, even if you can’t, uh, get an attorney, you know, there’s a lot of people there’s legal aid. Um, and so still there’s gonna be legal aid. Who’s going to be either doing the filing, you know, uh, maybe representing you at a lower cost. Um, rarely though Sidney, do I get again, do I get pro se domestic violence mediations? Um, usually there’s attorneys involved having to run interference, having to get documents, you know, especially if you’ve got one person who’s abusive. Do you think they’re gonna voluntarily turn over documents? No. Do you think that they’re going to voluntarily fill out the documents and file in a timely manner so they can move through and finally be divorced? No, they’re gonna wanna stay as long as possible and make life as much hell as possible, drag it out, use tactics that, you know, manipulation, fear, coercion, whatever.

Matthew Brickman:
They’re not gonna wanna cooperate. And so attorneys will need to be involved. Um, but you know, so hopefully that, you know, that answers the question of, you know, unfortunately if you do find yourself in a toxic marriage where there is domestic violence, um, how do you get out without making things worse? Don’t go on TV with it, hire an attorney, legal aid, you know, geographically get out of the situation because you can still move through the situation. You don’t have to be in the situation. Um, you know, because that could potentially make it worse.

Matthew Brickman:
Occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q & A bonus episodes where we will answer questions and give you a personal shout out.

Sydney Mitchell:
If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that’s info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.