WAKE UP – It’s Time!

Sydney Mitchell:

Hi. My name is Sydney Mitchell.

Matthew Brickman:

Hi, I’m Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

(00:14):
In 2004, a movie was released called The Butterfly Effect. I highly recommend this movie. The Butterfly Effect can be defined as the idea that something small like getting coffee can have a much larger effect, such as altering your career. In the movie The Butterfly Effect, it was about a college student who would get headaches so painful that he frequently blacked out, and while unconscious, he was able to travel back in time to difficult moments in his childhood, and then could alter the past for friends or even for himself. But when you change the past, it can drastically alter the present. And what does that have to do with mediation and what does that have to do with the title of this podcast?

(01:07):
Wake Up? Well, as a mediator who has conducted over 3000 mediations at the time of this recording, I hear a lot of stories every day of regret wishing things worked out differently and wishing different choices had been made. I have heard people say that they wish they had never met the partner that they are now in mediation with, whether that be a spouse or simply the parent of a child in a paternity action. I have heard people say they wish they had never quit a job, then a stay at home parent, move to a different location, whether that sometimes has been a country state or even just a neighborhood. I wonder if these people have ever thought about the butterfly effect. I recently had a dream. It was extremely intense to the point where I fell down uncontrollably weeping and screaming out, no, no, no.

(02:13):
I woke up, rolled over, reached out my arm and touched my wife, and at that moment I realized it was a dream. I was able to wake up, but it impacted me. So here’s the dream. Dreams are weird and sometimes they make no sense, but also can reveal deep emotional scars or fears or whatever, and I’m certainly no dream interpreter. I’ll just put that out there. But in this dream, well, okay, hold on. Let me back up. I have said since about 2004 that if I had a time machine and could go back in time and change anything in my life, I wouldn’t because I love where I am right now, and I know that if I change one thing, it could change everything, thus understanding the butterfly effect. Okay, so in this dream though, weirdly enough, there was a time machine, and strangely enough, I used it for whatever reason, I went back to 2007 when I had just met my wife.

(03:22):
My son was 10 and my daughter was 12. I was 33 and my wife was 50. For those of you who have read my book called, you’re Not The Only One, which can be found on iTunes. For those of you have that, been listening to this podcast, for those of you who I’ve mediated for, you know, a lot of my story and what I’ve been through with my kids, my ex-wife, DCF welfare checks, 43 motions for Contempt Enforcement, many court appearances, therapy, and even some of the difficulties my current wife and I have experienced through our relationship of 17 years. With all that said, I’m back in 2007 and in the dream, I don’t know why I chose then, and I don’t know if I went back to simply observe or change something. That’s the strange thing about dreams. Sometimes we just don’t know, but in either way, I get there and I am me.

(04:23):
This isn’t like Scrooge in a Christmas Carol where he gets to simply observe and no one can see him. It’s me and everyone can see me as I am me in that time. Now, what no one can see is the time machine though, so I get in the time machine to return to present day and it won’t work. I begin to panic. A wave of emotion comes on me. I start hitting the buttons frantically and nothing is happening. All of a sudden, memories of the 17 years of word said, and the feelings from those experiences I went through and the emotions felt completely flooded me. I began to think about how I now have to relive the past 17 years exactly as it happened, as not to create the butterfly effect.

(05:31):
The problem though is I have hindsight. I have maturity. I’ve learned from the mistakes that I made over the past 17 years. I’m not the same 33-year-old guy I used to be. I’m better because of the experiences I went through. The problem is I cannot apply any of the knowledge or maturity or wisdom, and I still have to say the same hurtful things to others. I have to go through the painful times, even though I know better, I know how to handle those situations of the past. I I, I can’t though. The first thought that came to mind was my daughter. Oh my gosh, we have to be estranged for an entire year all over again. If not, she may not move out. She may not go live with her grandmother. She might not go to a different high school. She might not get a job at Chick-fil-A, she might not meet a guy there who invites her to church where she eventually meets her husband and marries the love of her life. Oh my gosh, I might not have Jefferson as a son-in-Law. No, I don’t wanna feel that pain again, even though it ends with a miracle.

(07:14):
Now, I think of my son, oh gosh, we’ve said some hateful things to one another. Through the years we’ve navigated that difficult parent-child relationship, especially when he was a teenager. We ended up in therapy when he was 24 years old. We didn’t even have a parenting plan, a court order. We were still having issues and went to therapy when he was 24 to work out the issues from the past to deal with the hurtful and the painful things that were said in the past. We needed to go to therapy to work those out. We did. I have that information, but I can’t apply it. He is now an amazing young man, has an amazing job. He’s such a hard worker, but I have to say those nasty words to him, even though I know I shouldn’t, even though I know how much it’s going to hurt him because I heard about it in therapy when he was in 24, how those words cut him so deep.

(08:25):
But I have to, because if I don’t, I’m gonna create the butterfly effect, and now I could mess with his present. Not only mine. Oh my gosh. The next thing that comes to mind is I’ve gotta break up with my wife again. We have to also say some pretty hateful things to each other. She’s gonna move away for a year. I’m gonna contemplate divorce. We’re gonna sleep in separate bedrooms for over a year and basically be roommates with little to no emotion except for a decent financial arrangement. Oh my gosh, I may not be a mediator. I may not be able to help the 3000 plus families that I’ve had the honor to mediate for. Oh my gosh, I may not live in the same home that I currently live in. I may not have the great relationships that I have. I might not still go to the same church I’ve attended since the day it opened its doors in 2008. Oh my gosh. I have to relive the death of my brother. I have to relive the death of my grandmother, both my grandfathers, oh my gosh. I may or may not have to relive the death of my dog, Piper, as I may not even have gotten her.

(09:52):
Oh my gosh. I’ve gotta do everything exactly the same, but that means that I’m also gonna feel all of that all over again to know what I know now and learn from the lessons of the past. I cannot apply any of that knowledge or wisdom, and I have to repeat everything the exact same way it happened or else everything could be different. I, I dropped to my knees. I began weeping and crying out, no, no, no, and that was when I woke up throughout the next few days, I thought about this dream, and not only how if I went back, it could change my life, but how my choices could change the lives of those around me. Let’s use my daughter, for example. Again, my daughter’s happily married and this year she’ll be married four years, let’s say. I could go back and let’s say that I could change something that I wanted to change about my life that could completely change her life, and she didn’t even get a say in the matter. That would be extremely selfish of me.

(11:25):
Now, let’s play this out, not in the past, but in the present and also in the future, and I’m going to switch from talking just about me and include all of you in this as well. The things we currently say and the actions we currently do can change the course of not only our lives, but those all around us. Divorce, does this two people commit to one another until death? Do they part? Then they say things and do things to one another that they may never say or do to anyone else around them. Those words cut and can have significant impact on their own emotional wellbeing and mental state, and can affect even their future relationships when there are kids involved. Do not think your kids aren’t watching and learning. What we do as adults directly impact our kids. They hear us, they watch us.

(12:31):
They know what’s going on, and it shapes who they will be, what they will do, and even what they will say. This can get carried down from generation to generation, and no wonder 70% of the US is on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. No wonder there’s thriving jobs for therapists, attorneys, and yes, even mediators. We cannot go back. We cannot change what’s happened to us as time. Machines do not exist. For better or for worse. We are the product of our past. We cannot stay victims of our past. We need to learn from it. We need to make a change, and that happens only if we choose to. Too many people choose the title of victim instead of survivor. This dream stopped me and wrecked me and made me think of what if I had said something different or done something different in the past? It made me appreciate my present, but more than that, it made me aware of the words that I currently say and the things that I currently do in the present to those that I engage with, whether it be a checkout girl at the grocery store, my kids, my neighbors clients, and yes, even my wife.

(14:10):
I want to live a life that is full of joy and peace with those around me. Now, I am fully aware that this does not mean that every day is going to be sunshine and lollipops pops, but I have a role to play in this life, and I wanna be a positive influence to those I engage with. So maybe it’s time we all wake up and start paying attention.

Matthew Brickman:
Occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q&A bonus episodes where we’ll answer your questions and give you a personal shoutout.

Sydney Mitchell:
If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that’s info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.

Matthew Brickman:

For more information about my services or to schedule your mediation with me, either in person or using my iChatMediation Virtual Platform built by Cisco Communications. Visit me online at www.iMediateInc.com. Call me at 561-262-9121, Toll-Free at 877-822-1479 or email me at MBrickman@iChatMediation.com.